Parents yelling from the stands. Parents knocking on your door to complain. Parents threatening coaches. Parents filing lawsuits to ensure their demands are met.

When it comes to high school athletics today, parents are everywhere. You can't ignore them. You can't dismiss them. It doesn't work well to fight them. So what can you do?

Fortunately, there are some solutions emerging that both maintain integrity and keep the peace. In the following, four athletic directors provide their stories and advice on dealing with difficult parents.

HOLDING THE LINE

By Wes Ashley

Wes Ashley is Assistant Principal and Athletic Director at East High School in Denver, Colo. He is President-Elect of the Denver Prep League and serves on the State Board of Control. He can be reached at: Wesley_Ashley@dpsk12.org.

Here in the Denver Public Schools, there is open enrollment, and many parents choose to send their children to East High School, where we have strong academic programs and the highest test scores in the district. We also boast the largest athletic program, offering more sports at more levels than any of our sister schools. Our teams usually place first in the league and often win state championships.

Behind our successful student-athletes are successful parents. They know how to make demands and get things done. In fact, they made me rethink my whole career when I decided to dismiss our girls' varsity lacrosse coach at the start of my second year as Athletic Director here.

One of our more popular athletic programs offered is lacrosse, and I had hired Janet to be the varsity girls' lacrosse coach my first year on the job. The season started out well enough with the team winning most of its games. However, scores were being run up to extreme levels. I called Janet in to talk about sportsmanship and how we were trying to encourage other teams in the district to improve. This became the first of many conversations between us.

Next, I started getting calls from angry parents telling me their junior and senior daughters who had been starters were benched and replaced by freshmen. Janet said she had been the club coach for some of the incoming freshman players and was building a future state championship team. Of course, we clashed over this philosophy.

One night, the girls' lacrosse team beat its opponent by 10 goals, but at the end of the game I saw our players crying while Janet spoke with them. She was berating the girls because of the way they played. I later found out from the team athletic trainer that this was the norm after each game.

The team kept winning but player morale was sinking. Some girls quit and others just put up with it because they didn't want to lose their senior year.

The following fall, I decided not to renew Janet's contract. Forty-five minutes after I let Janet know, my phone started ringing off the hook. A group of five parents whose daughters had played club lacrosse for Janet demanded she be rehired. When I refused, it became ugly--fast.

One of the parents told me he was a very powerful political figure and would be making phone calls to the superintendent's office to have Janet hired back before the afternoon was over. He also said he had been preparing to give the school $10,000 and was now withdrawing the donation. Once "downtown" found out, I would be out of a job.

A couple of other parents took a different tack and asked for a face-to-face meeting with me. The meeting lasted over two hours. Despite me explaining that I was doing what was best for the kids, the parents continued to pressure me to keep Janet. They told me they knew she had problems but said they could control her and would be her "handler." I relented a little, and said I would get back to them that afternoon.

After thinking it through, I realized that if a coach needed a "handler" she probably wasn't good for our student-athletes. I told them I was sticking by my original decision.

The parents called me "wishy-washy" and decided to skip over the building principal and district athletic director. They had enough political clout to get a meeting with the superintendent. Fortunately, the superintendent immediately referred it to the district athletic director who called my principal, who supported my decision. One of the dads then called me to say, "This is not over and the parents will win!"

The next thing the disgruntled parents did was file a Title IX complaint against me, alleging that I treated the girls' lacrosse team different than the boys' lacrosse team. I was summoned to the administration building to meet with the district lawyer and district athletic director to go though the charges one by one, which ranged from the girls' practice field being further from the school building than the boys' field, to the boys' budget being bigger than the girls' budget.

Our lawyer suggested we hold a meeting with the parents, and go through each of their allegations one by one. We showed them the budget, explained that the coaches chose the fields they wanted to practice on, told them the girls got the same amount of time to play in the stadium, and so on. At the end of the meeting, the parents told us the only reason they had threatened us with Title IX was "to get our attention."

In the end I stuck by my guns and did not rehire the coach. Then, a strange thing happened. Other parents who had girls on the team started to call me with words of support. It turned out that not everyone wanted Janet to stay. The group of parents who supported Janet was actually very small, even though they were politically well connected.

It's been four years since my trial by fire, and the coach I hired after Janet recently left for a college position. A few parents contacted me to ask if they could help find a new coach. They told me they knew the history of the lacrosse program and would not tell me who to hire or how to run the program--their interest was in finding the best candidate for the job. It turned out to be a great experience. We screened many applications, interviewed potential candidates, and selected the new coach together.

If I can give any advice to my peers, it would be that it's important to listen to parents, but it's just as important to stick by your decisions when you know they are right. I believe my decision to not rehire my first lacrosse coach sent a message to all of our parents that I was in charge of athletics at Denver East High School.

In addition, if your decisions are guided by doing what's best for your student-athletes, you can't go wrong. It's a philosophy that is hard for any parent, lawyer, or administrator to argue against.

LADDER OF COMMUNICATION

By Tim Slauter

Tim Slauter, CMAA, is Director of Athletics at McCutcheon High School in Lafayette, Ind. He is a recipient of an NIAAA 2007 State Award of Merit and served as the President of the Indiana Interscholastic Athletic Administrators Association in 2005-06. He can be reached at: tslauter@tsc.k12.in.us.

As sure as there will be baseball and softball rainouts in the spring, athletic directors can count on a number of disgruntled parents showing up at their doorstep throughout the school year. Whether you're a novice or veteran athletic director, these meetings can be one of the most difficult aspects of the job.

One way I've found to make them less stressful is to communicate constantly and provide parameters before the parent even thinks about complaining. A little preventative maintenance can go a long way toward keeping what might be a small problem from blossoming into a full-fledged issue.

Here at McCutcheon High School, we start the communication process at each team's preseason parents meeting. At this time, coaches spell out their philosophies, go over team rules, and provide a handout with this information clearly delineated. They also explain our "Ladder of Communication" and list of "No Discussion Topics."

The Ladder of Communication stresses to parents that there is a protocol for complaints and that discussion should start on the ground floor. The first rung of communication should be between the player and the coach. I'm a firm believer that high school athletes should be encouraged to talk with their coaches if they have a problem or question. This type of meeting is an opportunity for the young person to learn to speak for him- or herself and can serve as a tremendous learning situation.

If the problem still exists in the mind of the parent or athlete after the athlete has communicated with the coach, the next rung on the ladder is the parent contacting the coach. Parents will often bypass this step and call me directly, but I always steer the parent back to the coach.

If, after talking with the coach, the parent is still not satisfied, I am happy to meet with the parent. I don't include the coach or the athlete in this initial meeting. Once face-to-face with the parent, I've found it important to listen carefully and let the parent speak as long as necessary. I also take their complaint seriously, even if I don't agree with it. However, I am always supportive of the coach at this time. Coaches must know that their athletic director has their back in these meetings.

If it is clear the parent is overstepping his or her bounds, or that the complaint has no merit, I will explain our policies and procedures and the reason behind the coach's actions. I will work hard to make the parent understand why I support the coach. However, if the parent's complaint has some merit, I explain that I will speak with the coach and get back to them.

Next, I'll talk to the coach and we'll discuss both sides of the argument. If I feel it will lead to closure, I'll set up a second meeting with the parent and coach and serve as the mediator. If I don't feel like that will help, I will talk to the parent and attempt to remedy the situation myself.

When parents are not satisfied with my efforts, I make it clear that they should next meet with my immediate supervisor, our principal. I then talk with my principal as soon as possible and brief him on the situation and all that has transpired.

The other important protocol we communicate is our "No Discussion Topics." While we stress that coaches should take the time to answer any questions parents might have, we have three important exceptions: playing time, team strategy, and other athletes.

Because the parent is not at every practice, nor in a position to evaluate the team's talent, he or she has no framework to discuss the coach's decision making. As the old saying goes, "Hindsight is 20/20." Parents have to understand that coaches must be trusted and allowed to make all game and player decisions without interference.

Parents can be very passionate about each of the three aforementioned topics, so it's important for the coach to set a professional tone early and attempt to keep emotions to a minimum. Coaches must also remember that parents will sometimes speak from the heart and not the head.

Dealing with dissatisfied parents is never an easy task for coaches and athletic directors. But a good communication plan can definitely lessen the number and intensity of parental complaints.

Sidebar: TALKING TIPS
Tim Slauter, Director of Athletics at McCutcheon High School in Lafayette, Ind., provides these tips to his coaches for speaking with disgruntled parents:

• Try not to speak with parents about a problem immediately after a practice or especially, a contest. Instead ask for the parent to meet with you at a later time when you can focus on their concern.

• Respond as quickly as your schedule permits. Allowing a parental concern to simmer is not good for either party.

• When meeting with a parent, try to have another member of the coaching staff present as a witness.

• Remember that you are a professional and should act accordingly.

• Listen more than you speak.

• Keep in mind that parents often just want to get things off their chest. Offering an empathetic ear is important.

• Always remain calm and diffuse the situation whenever possible.

• Do not allow a parent to get emotional during a meeting. If the matter cannot be discussed in a civil manner, then the meeting should be postponed until it can.

• Avoid communicating through voice or e-mail messages as much as possible. This just prolongs the issue and frustrates all parties.

• Document all communication with parents regarding the situation and keep your supervisors informed.

• Never go into a parent meeting expecting a battle. Unless you go in with an open mind, little will be accomplished.

TAKING ACTION

By Kirby Whitacre

Kirby Whitacre is Director of Athletics for the South Bend School Corporation and previously served in the same position at Mishawaka and Zionsville High Schools, all in Indiana. He can be reached at: kwhitacre@sbcsc.k12.in.us.

As the above section points out, it's critical to have policies on parent interaction and to communicate them well. But what do you do about the parent who does not follow the rules?

I believe a school must be prepared to enact penalties, without hesitation, against parents who cross the line of acceptable behavior. I have been fortunate to work for three progressive school districts over the last 10 years that were supportive of controlling unruly parents. And that is key--you need your principal and superintendent's support if you are going to discipline parents.

The best friend of the athletic director and principal is a solid Athlete Behavior Code that includes a parent section. This parent section of the code doesn't need to be elaborate, but it must contain very clearly stated expectations. Here are some examples of what I've used over the years:

1. Parents must understand that there is no inherent right to play interscholastic sports and that the coach alone will determine who plays and how much.

2. Parents must understand they are entrusting the coach with their child and that the coach will act in the best interests of all the children on the team.

3. Parents must understand that it is inappropriate to confront a coach at any time and that such behavior will not be tolerated. A meeting with a coach may be set up by a parent 24 hours after an incident of concern.

4. Parents must understand that the following are not acceptable and will not be tolerated:

• making derogatory comments about coaches, officials, players, or others
• swearing
• attending an athletic event while intoxicated
• being offensive in any manner.

Next, it is important to clearly spell out what actions your school may take against a parent who violates this code. Here are the five I've used in order of severity of the incident:

1. A written or verbal warning
2. Removal from the premises
3. The prohibition of contact with the team
4. Banishment from school activities
5. Legal proceedings.

On the last page of the Athlete Behavior Code, the athlete and his or her parents must sign a consent document that says they agree to abide by the code. The student cannot participate without these signatures.

Then, the athletic director must be very diligent (and strong) in enforcing the code. The following are situations in which I took action against parents:

Written warning: Sometimes a parent misbehaves and it comes to my attention after the fact. A typical example is a parent confronting a coach after a practice when an administrator is not present. One specific incident involved a parent who went to the home of our football coach on a Saturday to complain about his son not playing in the game the previous night.

In these instances, I usually write a letter to the parent, informing them of my knowledge of their action and the date and place that it occurred. I remind them that disagreements are to be settled during private appointments with the coach. I tell them that I too am a parent and sometimes lose perspective, and that I am willing to chalk this incident up to a bad decision on their part. But I do make it clear that this is a violation of our code (I include a copy of the page the parent signed) and the school will not tolerate it happening again.

While this communication could be handled via a phone call, I've found that a phone discussion can end up being perceived as more threatening. A letter is very clear and the possible volatility of direct contact is eliminated. I've seen these letters be over 90 percent effective in preventing a repeat episode by the parent.

Verbal warning: When a parent is acting in an inappropriate manner during a game, a verbal warning is immediately given. If I know the parent, sometimes I do nothing more than quietly slide into a seat beside the offender and engage them in a low-key conversation, mostly keeping my eyes on the game. I give them a gentle reminder about sportsmanship and supporting the program without humiliating them.

Other times, public notice is called for and I am not subtle or quiet in my approach. For example, if a parent is continually standing or yelling very loudly for everyone to hear--or if the behavior has caused a complaint--I warn the individual to cease their behavior and my actions are clear to everyone around them.

Removal: If a parent is out of control, we skip the verbal warning and ask a security officer to remove the offender. Some examples of an out-of-control parent would be one repeatedly swearing, standing, yelling, or making offensive comments. We'll also remove parents if they are physical with another fan or threaten a coach or administrator.

Severing contact: I once had a parent verbally assault a coach immediately after our team had won a sectional championship. Mayhem ensued and many other individuals became involved. We considered banning the parent from the regional tournament but the student-athlete was a senior and an only child.

Instead, we imposed an order of "no contact" with team personnel, including their own child, during practices and upcoming games. I personally accompanied the team on the bus and sat on the bench at the regional game to ensure compliance. There were no problems.

Banishment: The above situation could have also called for banishing the parent. If the parent has been aggressive, the banishment can be accompanied by a no-trespass order. Ideally, this is sent by the school attorney and registered with the legal system. This penalty prohibits the parent from being on school property until the order is lifted. If they want to be part of their child's school activities (including graduation), the parent usually adopts a cooperative attitude fairly quickly.

Legal proceedings: Enacting civil or criminal action should only be done in the most severe cases, but we have found that it can be effective. One example involved a parent who became extremely aggressive with several members of the coaching staff after a game and needed to be restrained by administrators. The parent was thoroughly warned about his behavior in a meeting with the principal, coach, and myself. Six months later, during the off-season, the parent threatened the head coach and we issued a no-trespass order.

The parent's response was to secure counsel to challenge us, and we responded by initiating civil proceedings against the parent for behavioral compliance. This action got the attention of the parent, who agreed to sign off on a lengthy list of demands, including sitting in a designated area during games, and we dropped our legal case against him.

Taking legal action against a parent is certainly severe, but it turned out to be a positive in the long run. It announced, loud and clear, that we are resolved to remedy any problem situations, and it ultimately caused many fans to examine their own behavior. The parent gave us no further problems.

The decision to take disciplinary action against a parent is never easy. But, if it is for the greater good--teaching kids proper behavior, supporting coaches, and ensuring a positive gametime atmosphere--it must be a part of any athletic director's gameplan.

BEST FOR THE KIDS

By Tim Vick

Tim Vick, CMAA, is Athletic Director at the Greater Atlanta Christian School. He was the recipient of the 2006 Georgia Athletic Directors Association Athletic Director of the Year award, and can be reached at: tvick@greateratlantachristian.org.

Not too many years ago, I was in the midst of coaching a boys' basketball game when one of my players stopped dribbling up the court and turned toward the stands. He looked directly at his father and screamed, "Shut up!"

The Dad had been continually yelling instruction, and his son was fed up with it. Although I sat the player down on the bench for the next two quarters for demonstrating a lack of control, I greatly empathized with him--I was also tired of hearing the man bark commands at his son.

After the game, the father apologized to me and we discussed his role as a parent and mine as the coach. In his heart, he was only trying to help his son. He clearly was in the dark as to the negative effects of being an over-involved parent.

To me, that is the crux of the parent problem in high school athletics. Moms and dads are doing what they do all in the name of "what's best for my kid." They get so caught up in their own goals for their children, they can't take a step back and understand that those goals are not necessarily what's best for anyone.

What's the solution to dealing with this phenomenon? I feel it's time for school leaders to begin a dialogue with parents on this issue. We need to sit down and discuss this question: Is what we are all doing really in the best interest of our children?

There are five questions I believe get to the heart of the matter:

• Is it "best for the kids" when we, as parents and coaches, emphasize the goal of getting a college scholarship? The true goals of interscholastic sports are learning life lessons that happen on the field or court. When the prize is a college scholarship, the values of participation veer way off track.

• Is it "best for the kids" when parents want to be actively involved in their child's sport? Parental hovering does not allow kids to learn their own lessons, make their own decisions, and test the waters of adult responsibility. When they know their actions are being scrutinized all the time, teenagers become detached and unengaged in the learning process.

• Is it "best for the kids" when we encourage our children to limit their athletic activities to one sport? Receiving the benefits of sport means sitting at the feet of many different coaches, learning how to work with different sets of teammates, and fitting into different roles on different teams. In addition, we've all seen gifted athletes who specialize in one sport give it up by the time they reach college due to burnout.

• Is it "best for the kids" when we take our child to every conceivable AAU, club, or travel team tournament on the face of the earth every single weekend of the summer instead of communicating to them the value of a balanced life? When the entire family's schedule is built around a kid's athletic endeavors, something is terribly wrong.

• Is it "best for the kids" when we have huge hopes and dreams for them that center around sports? Parents need to really ask themselves if their happiness is based on their son hoisting a trophy in the air or seeing their daughter's name in the record books. We need to be honest with ourselves.

How do we start these types of dialogues with parents? Start by looking at the opportunities already in place. For example, at preseason parents meetings, take five minutes to broach the topic. Possibly provide a handout with some "questions to think about" on it. Consider doing the same at a booster club meeting.

Another idea is to set up a committee of coaches to formulate an athletic department philosophy on participation. These coaches can examine policies that might increase multi-sport participation and emphasize high school athletics over travel teams.

Get the word out in print. Come up with a list of "Expectations for Parents of Athletes" that you compile into a brochure. Have your coaches distribute the brochures at preseason parent meetings. Post the list of expectations on your Web site and on department bulletin boards.

With some booster club funds, it may be possible to invite a speaker or facilitator to conduct a seminar for parents and athletes on how to keep the proper perspective. A title like "Supporting your Athletic Child" will ensure a good turnout.

Finally, think about forming a committee that brings all the youth sports programs in your community together to talk about these issues. Work with the directors of these leagues to begin dialogue at the lower levels.

We can deal with parent problems one at a time, season after season. Or we can start conversations with parents that get at the root of the problem. I think it's time we choose the latter.